7 Things My Husband Hates About Lists That Will Totally Blow Your Mind (Number five really surprised me!)

Here is a picture of Cranky Captain Mike.

 (this cracks me up.  I said “make that face you make when someone is stupid?” Nailed it.)

He is prematurely a crusty old man who likes to complain about those young people and their hippity hop and their skinny jeans and why don’t they cut their hair and stop moping around the mall and GET A JOB?!  He won’t use facebook.  He is a curmudgeon.  And here is his quick take on the proliferation of Lists on the internet.

1)Why is it always a random number? It’s never 10, or even 5.  It’s a seemingly random number of things but they still give you the number of things in the list like it actually has some kind of significance.  It’s not actually random or arbritrary, however.  It’s carefully crafted to be AT LEAST an unusual number, if not a prime number.  Extra points for prime numbers, apparently.

2)Have you noticed it’s not really a list it’s an article with a whole bunch of paragraphs, just like any other article, with a bunch of semi related points on some topic, just like any other article. But noooo they had to make it a list. I mean seriously look at these.  A list would just be a quick phrase but they go on and on expanding on their points and bringing up examples and back up points.  That’s not a list anymore.  This one time I read a list article and there were only like 5 things on it.  Only not 5 because 5 would be too normal a number.  So it was probably 3 because seriously, what is the point of a list that’s only 3 things long still being a list?  Don’t they teach you in grade school that you can put three related points into a paragraph? And yet each thing on the list was two or three paragraphs of content.  Guys that’s NOT A LIST it’s a thesis or something.  It’s STUPID!

3)At least one of the points on the list is just a reiteration of an earlier point on the list with a slightly different spin or wording but they pretend it’s a brand new separate bullet. Come on the numbers don’t mean anything anyways and you’re allowed to cram as much into one number as you want so why drag it out and make a completely redundant point on your list?

4)I kind of just hate them because they are everywhere too. Nothing can just be a not list anymore.  It’s trendy. Everything’s gotta be a list. Like people write something and then they think, oh crap, nobody will read this if I don’t make it in list form.  So they just add numbers at the front of their paragraphs.

5)There’s always a tag line about how number something or other is going to blow your mind. And you get to number whatever and it’s really no big deal.  I mean it might be an interesting thought but it’s not any better than any OTHER thought on the list.  That was just there to trick you except that we’ve all seen it one million times so who’s really falling for this anymore anyway?

6)I literally just now went to ONE site on the internet that has a collection of “lists” (hipster for article), and here are the titles:

• 60 Energy Drinks To Try In A Time Of Desperation (Really guys, you could only think of 60?  One more and you get a prime number!  Weak.)
• 17 (Maybe) True Facts About “Mad Max: Fury Road” (If they’re “Maybe” true, then you can make up whatever number you want, right? So why 17?  See point one.)
• 21 Times Schmidt From New Girl Perfectly Explained What It’s Like To Get In Shape (I’ve seen every episode of New Girl; it’s a fun show.  Schmidt does this every episode, so obviously they’ve only watched part of one season, and decided to stop at 21 because it’s…not round.)
• 23 Alien Landscapes You Can Visit Right Here On Earth (I got nothing.  Who reads this crap?  Also a prime number.  I bet either some pretty cool places got dropped or some totally lame places got added to make it a prime number that’s different from the other numbered lists on the site.)

7) This is [deleted]. Point six on this “List” isn’t even a point, and this is only in here to make it a prime number.  Also (this could be another point but then I’d have 8 and that would never do), when the “list” gets regurgitated on other websites they will either add or delete some points to make the list a different number to pretend it’s original while still keeping it seemingly random.  For example, I just searched “alien landscapes” in google and got another article with only 9 places on it.  The pictures were the same…I rest my case.

Now here are pictures of him being his super top secret sap self.

 

Personal Blog Rules

I figure every era has a specific style of mediocre writing.  I guess it’s the watered down or inexpert version of better popular writers or something of the sort.  I have noted two in blogging that drive me nuts and that I try to test my entries against so that I don’t accidentally fall into them.  The first is the Tiny Violins Style, or Lifetime Movie Network Soundtrack Style.  If a blog can be read with faint strains of plaintive instrumentals behind it then it may suffer from this style.  Each blog entry seems to begin with a mournful tone and then slowly develop to a moving and slightly triumphant finale, usually to end with a peaceful yet still slightly melancholic final strain.  Now if the majority are inexpert versions of better stuff then certainly some of these emotional journeys are good.  Just wearing in bunches.  The second is the Pundit Style.  If a blog reads like an audition tape for a commentary position on a 24 hour news channel, it may suffer from this style.  This style is also apt to crop up in statuses on Facebook.  These blogs paint every single current event as a black and white issue fitting into a broader view about the State of Things and everyone on the other side, or even anyone who’s just plain uninterested, as an evil idiot.  (By the way I do think it’s a very interesting phenomenon that we can simultaneously see our political enemies as fiendish masterminds AND bumbling fools who can’t reason their way out of a paper bag.  It seems they’d have to be one or the other).  What does it say about our culture that we like to wallow in our own emotions or yell at the top of our lungs about our opinions.  I think it means our culture is entirely too self conscious and busy trying to impress everyone with our INteresting lives.  Or to put it another way, I’m pretty sure it means our culture is still in high school.  And high school was so exhausting.  My favourite blogs are the ones where you feel less like you’re in an episode of the latest teen drama or the latest cable news rant fest and more like you’re sitting in the writer’s living room drinking a nice adult beverage and possibly smoking if you got ’em (hmm maybe you’re on a porch instead of in a livingroom).  So now I’ll have to reread this, while watching HLN, and then reread it while playing the theme to Love Story, and then finish it off with a beer and see if it passes the test.