The Five Stages of Lent

It’s that time of year again!  Lent is almost upon us.  Are you coming up with your sacrifices and new good habits?  Since it’s always good to go into Lent with a lot of optimism I naturally devised a plan to break it down into the 5 stages of grief. Behold, a typical sinner’s Lent.  In honour of all the TV my children will give up this Lent I will illustrate using Disney gifs. Any resemblance to actual person’s Lent is purely coincidental.

Stage One: Denial

I’ll be fine.  I’m not really all that attached to soda or chocolate.  Really, if anything this is too easy a penance.  Maybe I should pick something a little harder but let’s stick with the totally doable sacrifice.  It will go so well I’ll be able to focus on all the good stuff I can start doing.  Like five new daily prayers.  I’m ready! Let’s do this!

Stage Two: Anger

Anger? Who’s angry?  You trying to say I’m moody without my caffeine and sugar fix? YOU’RE MOODY.  Shut up.  Look it’s simple: Just don’t talk to me or look at me and slide the bottle of Tylenol this way my head is killing me.  You just stick to those rules and everything will be great.  Don’t look at me like I’m crazy!  Just because I gave up the most monumentally difficult thing in the universe and you just gave up what? You’re subsisting on bread and water? Well la dee dah.  Aren’t you special.  Maybe give up getting in my business next time.

Stage Three: Bargaining

So maybe I bit off a little more than I could chew.  No I’m not referring to the Milky Way Bar, and anyway it’s Sunday I can have chocolate on Sunday.  Also I really only meant I’d give up Pepsi before 3pm, at home.  So like if I’m out and about and happen to find myself at a Sonic drive thru that’s a totally other thing.  And by chocolate I meant chocolate BARS. Bars is the crucial word.  For one thing, if I can’t drink Pepsi I need to be substituting something for it and naturally that’s milkshakes.  You wouldn’t want perfect to be the enemy of the good would you?  Chocolate is helping me be so on point with the Pepsi issue. Going forward that’s the plan.  No chocolate emphasis bars and no Pepsi, from a 20oz bottle, from inside my own fridge, before noon unless the baby didn’t let me sleep all last night in which case really who’s to say when the day started right?

Stage Four: Depression

I’m a horrible Catholic.  This is the worst Lent I’ve ever had since last year.  I can’t even give up one stupid drink and one kind of treat.  I would so fail the Roman persecution.  We all know I’d be that guy skulking in late to the council of Nicea, all heyyy fellas I’m ok being Christian now that it’s not dangerous.  I need help.  I need confession.  I need Jesus.

Stage Five: Acceptance

I need Jesus.

Oh. Huh. Interesting.  Maybe this isn’t so bad.  Maybe I’ve learned something from this debacle after all.  You know what I have.  I’ve learned I’m a sinner and attached to earthly things.  I’ve learned I’m not happy this way and I want to be better.  I’m going down to that big penance service at the church and I’m going to get right with God and I’m going to ROCK the rest of Lent.

Pepsi you are not my master!  Get thee behind me chocolate!  I’m on fire.  I’m saying the Rosary every day and I’m being nice to my kids and I’m giving alms all over the place.  Watch me go!  This is fantastic.  I really salvaged this Lent.

I can’t wait for next year!  With a little luck it won’t take til Wednesday of Passion Week to reach this point!

All GIFs from (giphy.com)