I’ve been writing a decent amount this year, just not here. The blog has been quiet for a long time. It’s been quiet so long I’m not sure where to begin waking it up again but let’s try.
Our bishop gave a sermon earlier this year on the Holy Trinity. One theme he explored was the need for Christians to “live in the tension” of their faith. One God, Three Persons. God who became man. Christ dying to open eternal life. Justice and Mercy. He pointed out that when we try to throw out one half of any mystery we’re in trouble. And living in the mystery means accepting the conflict, accepting that it IS a mystery. Now those are huge questions. Much bigger than my own small ones, but this idea of living in the tension has helped me a lot this year. It’s been a year of looking for answers to questions that don’t really have any. So I’ve tried to go for acceptance, not so much of what has happened as of all the things about what has happened that I can’t make sense of. This doesn’t make anything easier exactly but it makes me ok with how hard it has been. When I’ve run up against a wall I’ve practiced just recognizing the wall is there and that nothing I can do will change that. I’ve practiced just observing my experiences instead of trying to decide what they mean. And the funny thing is that in the exercise I think I’ve probably found the most meaning that I could have found from them. The lesson I’ve come up with is that there is a meaning to it all, that I don’t necessarily know it and not knowing it doesn’t negate the meaning. It’s there and it’s working on my soul whether I can define it or not. All this to say, I decided to ride out the last nine months before I wrote anything about them. But I am happy to announce that after the losses of our two precious sons Charles Donald and Samuel Isaac we are now celebrating the birth of our daughter Miriam Esther Marchand.
I do feel I need to write something. I feel obligated to share the information that saved my baby’s life in case someone else is ever searching for answers the way I was last year. And I also have things I need to say on behalf of the kids we do not get to hold. Their story is still part of our story, their lives have touched us profoundly and I think will continue to shape this family in beautiful and lasting ways and I need to honour that. So the working out of all these things may take a little while and a couple of posts. The first is my “just the facts ma’am” story. But the facts are pretty long because it’s been a long journey. So fair warning, I’m going to sort through it all here on the blog and it’s going to be messy, especially the next post. The what happened.